Selfish?

Yes, that last post sounded astoundingly selfish (as have many in the past) and I feel the need to explain myself. It's not that I'm not sentimental and that I don't love my children, I am and I do! It's just my way of protecting my soul, it's far too raw for just anyone to view.

Honestly, I am in love with my kids! I am smitten by every little thing they engage in and the brilliant people they are becoming. If I can get past her angelic face, (which is hard to do) I delight in Lainie's thought process and her reasoning. I am amazed by her writing. It's so clever, yet so personable that it makes you feel that she is speaking to only you and that it's your own intimate conversation with her. She's funny and sweet and I enjoy watching the sparkle in her eyes. Ellie has this dry wit that is both hilarious and mature beyond her years. She sees amusing nuances in conversation and situations that I seem to be completely blind to. It thrills me that she still lets me kiss on her cheeks (my most favorite thing to do when she was tiny) and I can't seem to get over her perfect cherubic mouth. Jace (as much as I complain about him) is my darling. As he is begging me for one more glass of chocolate milk, I am distracted by the compulsion to kiss every last one of his freckles. As he's yelling my name over and over I'm trying to memorize his little lisp so that I won't ever forget. And those baby blues, Oh! He dazzles me every time. My life with these three has been happy and gratifying, sunny and oh, so blessed! But I'm not so good at writing down my heart's secrets. It's a rather reticent organ and is not comfortable sharing it's treasures. You see, every once in awhile they slip out and then you've got a blubbering idiot on your hands. One little drop of emotion and the sentiment explodes leaving a very wet mess! It's just easier to keep them inside, hidden from view and not center stage for everyone to judge and critique.

A friend once said something about her kids that has resounded with me, she said "I feel time washing over me. And the bitterly sweet feeling of opening my arms to let go." Not bittersweet, but bitterly sweet. That seems to be a huge difference to me. You see, since the day of their birth, it has been my one and only job to put myself out of business. With every bit of growth or advancement, with every new feat accomplished there is satisfaction and commemoration. Yes, it hurts to see them growing, to realize that you'll never have the chance to rock them to sleep again, to hear their first word or see them take their first step. Those are my most tender feelings and so I must protect them and I realize that in sheltering them, it comes across as selfish and less than flattering, but really, it's a celebration that I'm doing my job. The sweet acknowledgement that my goals are being met and that my kids are becoming the independent, free-thinking, contributing members of society that is my job to produce. These four hours of freedom each week is a higher wrung on the ladder that I've been working toward for four years now. A step up from where we were, a promotion in a sense. I'm glad that I've got "me" time, it shows that my job is progressing quite nicely. But, I see that I need to change, (part of learning to do my job better) so from now on, I'll try to make it sound less selfish and focus more on celebrating the sweet autonomy of my children.